How To Know You’ve Found “The One”

how-to-know-youve-found

 

Heart beats faster. Breath catches. Butterflies pitter patter in tummy when he’s around. When apart the heart yearns to be near him; almost painful but joyous. When mind wanders it’s to the next time you’ll see his beautiful face. A face that’s seared into the memory like flame. A face not ever forgotten. Hearing the beloved’s name brings a smile. Thoughts of the future play in day dreams; white dress, black tux, a house, babies.

Is he the one?

He must be!

He is always on my mind.

I’m in love.

 

 

If you’re not married I’m 99% sure that you’ve sat and wondered more than once,  “Will I ever find ‘the one’. And “how will I know if they’re the right person for me?” or “What if I marry the wrong man?”

I know I had those thoughts countless times in my dating years. Most people thought that I was too picky because I didn’t date a lot and had even less boyfriends. I thought it was pointless to be committed to someone that I couldn’t see a future with. I mean, the sole purpose of dating is to find your life mate, right? At least that’s my opinion.

But I want to tell you that the feelings described above do NOT mean that this person is the one.

Infatuation and or love, doesn’t mean they SHOULD be your life partner.

“But I can’t live without him!” you think. You can. And if he’s not the right one, you will go on living.

 

Here’s the reality. The “one” WILL bring these feelings of giddiness, and longing, and lust but a spouse must be more than feelings. You can love the wrong man that will cause a lot of heart ache.

 

So here’s the bombshell that you need to ingrain in your mind.

You know you’ve found the one when you are “all I can think about” in love with each other AND you accept each other for EXACTLY the way you are at the moment.

When you DO NOT want to change anything about him and he’s not trying to change you!

Period.

Because YOU can’t change a person.

People can change if THEY want to change but YOU can’t change them.

When you start wishing he were different in some way, than he’s probably not he one. Because you need to love him for the way he is, and vice versa.

People don’t change personality traits because you marry them. They don’t change who they inherently are because you want them to. And why would you want  to? You should love him for him or don’t be together.

Sure, people can change little habits like, leaving the toilet seat up or always throwing their dirty clothes on the floor instead of the hamper, or cussing, but people don’t change the way they treat you, how they talk, if they are a fitness fanatic or a couch potato unless THEY WANT TO.

You can motivate by being a good example but you can’t force anything. Everyone has free will, and you marrying someone will not mean you can change them! Anyone who thinks “if we get married this will change.” Is ignorant. “Or my favorite, “If we have a child our relationship will get better…” not a chance. It causes more stress.

If your man loves to play video games a lot (like mine) accept it his hobby.

If he smokes and you hate it, know that he won’t quit until he’s ready (if that day ever comes).

If he gets jealous easily, that’s not going to change.

If he’s not affectionate by nature, and you feel that you need to be held, snuggled, kissed and often, he’s not suddenly going to be Mr. Huggy.

This should go without saying but if he’s abusive then he’s not going to suddenly stop hitting you because he loves you.

If he’s devout catholic and you’re Mormon and you just can’t get passed the religion difference and think that someday he’ll convert to your beliefs, don’t fool yourself. Maybe he will but probably he won’t. Accept his beliefs and don’t expect to change him or end it. If you don’t accept this, he’s not the one no matter how much you think you’re in love.

You get it yet?

If he’s a workaholic, and loves his job and your love language is quality time and he’s hardly ever around, it’s going to cause problems. You think if he loves you enough he’ll spend more time with you eventually. Don’t bet your future on it.

Sometimes people change for a period of time but in the long run they are who they are and the honeymoon faze, the infatuation feelings of “I want to be with you every second of every day” fade, and you’re left with the raw, real man.

 Love his flaws, his rawness, and goodness all same and you will have a lasting relationship.

And like my husband and I always say, “You know you’ve found the one you should marry because you just know they’re the one.” Call it intuition. You like everything about them, they’re your best friend and you want to make them happy every day for the rest of your lives.

Yes, there will be disputes and arguments and small things may annoy you but those aren’t big problems you can’t overlook and get passed.

You can’t be selfish and expect the relationship to work. If you want to change someone, you’re being selfish because it’s what YOU don’t like about them. (unless they are an addict, or abusive etc but then you already know there’s major problems) If your love interest really didn’t like about themselves, whatever it is you think you can change, they’d do something about it.

My favorite quote on love is “True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one’s companion.”

Gordon B. Hinckley, Stand a Little Taller

 

We’ll just end it with that great quote!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Do You Want to Be In Love or Do You Want to Be Right?

Have you ever been in an argument with your significant other and ended up hurting them? I’m sure we all have at some point but many of us don’t learn from these incidences because we’d rather be right, and like knowing that we were right, too.

Relationships are difficult for many people hence why half of all marriages end in divorce. It’s hard to compromise with someone all the time especially if the other half doesn’t give. Because let’s be honest, a good relationship is give and take, compromise, concern for the happiness and well-being of your significant other, trust, loyalty, and communication.  If you don’t have all of that, you don’t have sh*t.

quotes from thebombshellinitiative.com

Yet, there is more than that to have a GREAT relationship, but I’ll go into ways people like to show and receive love another time, this is about being right or more accurately wrong.

Nobody, and I mean nobody likes to have their flaws and misgivings pointed out to them especially in front of other people. If you’re a person who likes to be right and points it out when your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend is wrong, don’t expect the relationship to flourish or even last. Think about a past time the person you loved messed up and you said “I told you so!” or “Why did you do that?” in some form or another. Sometimes it’s hard to hold your tongue but believe me, if you want to be in love, hold it. Because guess what, they already know they messed up and don’t need you pointing it out to them.

A couple years ago, I backed my mustang into my husband’s car and left a dent. I got out and stood staring at it thinking he was going to be so mad. The dent was small but regardless I felt stupid. Why didn’t I see it? How could I miss a car, it’s not like it’s small? I should have looked better instead of just glancing over my shoulder. I braced myself for him to say these exact things to me as I went inside and told him the bad news.

I’ll never forget his reaction. He looked at me, surprised and said, “Really?” but not angrily­— more like he was nervous to see the damage. We walked outside and he surveyed the harm while I stared on in shame. I remember him saying my name like “ah this sucks” and then… he hugged me. Even more shocking, he brought me flowers later that day when he got home from work! Here I’d done something so stupid and he was comforting me instead of being angry and it made me love him even more.

quotes from thebomshellinitiative.com

Now on the flip side. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not perfect and my reactions aren’t always as good but he taught me a lesson that day, one I wished I’d learned sooner. Sometime before the backing of the car into his happened, we were going on a short road trip with my sister and her friend to an amusement part. We’d stopped and fueled up and then about an hour and a half of driving Travis turns to me and says nervously, “I think I forgot to put Brittany’s bag back in the trunk at the gas station.”

Immediately anger began to rise in me. My sister’s clothes, make up, computer and who knows what else was in that bag. We pulled over to check and sure enough, the bag wasn’t in there. I yelled at him, standing in the parking lot, “How could you forget the freakin’ bag? Why did you even take it out of the trunk at the gas station to begin with?!” And even more.

Everything going through my mind was we’d have to buy her a new computer, which we couldn’t afford, and she didn’t have any clothes for the weekend, and how in the world could he NOT put her bag back in the car! Ahhh!

Of course he already felt bad that he’d left it there. I could see the anxiety and remorse on his face and me shouting and pointing out that he was wrong and what he did was stupid made it worse. We got into a huge argument and the whole situation just didn’t go well. I hurt his feelings by my reaction, even though I was right. There was definitely no love or understanding in my reaction. (Someone turned in my sister’s bag and my step mom picked it up, thankfully).

But imagine if I’d reacted differently. What if I’d given him a hug instead of yelled? What if I’d told him it was alright? It would have brought more love between us instead of a memory he probably won’t forget but not for a good reason.

He and I don’t have many fights or even argue much because both of us have come to the understanding that it’s not about being right. It’s about showing compassion, and understanding. I can tell you honestly, I’d rather be in love than be right any time.

 

-Janie

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